There are four strategies that a couple can adopt, consciously or unconsciously, after an affair. That choice is involved often eludes the partners who may think that what is happening between then is inevitable. It is not. Only one of these strategies really works.
Each has unique progression that is independent of the particulars of the conflict, but the results are predictable:
TWO SOLITUDES: the partners stay together, dragging on in a malaise of two
solitudes as if the whole thing will just go away
===> silence, stalemate, withholding, unhappiness,
resentment, depression, constipation of energy, relational sterility
SPLIT: the affair is treated by one or both as a rift
that cannot be healed
===> immediate gratification of indulging angry
impulses, unanswered questions are left, doubts of self and cynicism
about relationships in general may arise, possibilities of overcoming
the incident are wasted
STAND OFF/DEADLY EMBRACE: the betrayed never lets it
drop, maintaining the belief It's broken and can't be fixed. The
moral polarity of wronged, righteous victim versus incorrigible
culprit takes over the relationship.
====> anger, punishment, self-righteousness / guilt,
negative energy prevails, downward spiral or misery, childish
self-indulgence
ACCEPTANCE & GROWTH: a process to which their is mutual commitment. This more than a strategy that is unilaterally adopted by one partner or both.
- acceptance of responsibility for the affair on both sides
- understanding why it happened and what was learned from it, some of which may be positive
- acceptance that even a healed relationship will be different from the relationship before the affair
- recognition that pre-incident relationship was inherently unstable and flawed; other the affair would not have happened
- actively building a new more stable relationship based on different goals and ways of being together
- allowing energy to flow gain; giving up grudges; acknowledging imperfections and limitations on both sides; loving each other for who each is versus withholding love over what each thinks the other did to them; treating the new relationship as a delicate living thing that needs flexibility, ingenuity, attunement and dedication to keep it growing, evolving and on track.
Guess which strategy is the one that works.
FURTHER READING
Gottman, John & Silver, N. The Seven Principles
for Making Marriage Work. (1999) New York: Three Rivers Press.
Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations
for a Lifetime of Love. (2008) Toronto: Little, Brown &
Co.
Perel, Esther. “After The Storm” Psychotherapy
Networker. (July/August 2010);
www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine.
Real, Terrence. The New Rules of Marriage.
(2007) New York: Random House.